Dear USAA Insurance,

Dear USAA Insurance,

My wife and I have been your customer for nearly 5 years including banking, insurance, and investments, and we begrudgingly seek your help in compensation for several claims we’ve accrued over the past 2 ½ years while here in Ramstiein, Germany. However, these claims are of an unusual nature, and therefore we are unsure as to the typical protocol used in these circumstances, or even what type of insurance will be affected, or if this claim can be made under a single deductible or if several will be required.
You see sir/ma’am, the claim is against our children for lost, damaged, stolen and otherwise destroyed items. Over the last 2 years our two children (Pearce is turning 4, and Cameryn is nearly 2) have done everything in their power to seek out and destroy every valuable piece of equipment, furniture or other valuables that we own.
For example, just today we discovered that my darling daughter went into our bedroom, found a brand new white sapphire necklace that I bought my wife for our anniversary, and proceeded to loose the pendant so that she could play dress-up with the chain.
My son, on the other hand, uses more of a direct approach with his destruction. Last year he decided to pour an entire bottle of dawn liquid detergent on our nice “indestructible” micro-fiber couches, which required me to lie on the grass outside while I hosed them down in the middle of winter.
At times, however, it’s nearly impossible to determine the culprit. Only a couple months ago I was assigned to travel to Israel on a TDY, but when I went to get my military passport out of my bag, I found it missing. After strip-searching the entire house, I finally had to concede defeat and reported the passport missing, which not only caused intense havoc within our flight (due to last minute changes), but also got me in a LOT of trouble and cost me hundreds in lost TDY pay. (As a side note, the passport was eventually found buried in the linen closet between some sheets, unfortunately this was long after a replacement was ordered.)
Additionally, we shall be claiming against dozens of CD’s, DVD’s, and computer equipment that have been destroyed as well.
Finally, we would also like to claim our sanity. My wife and I used to consider ourselves rather intelligent people who enjoyed robust debates on politics, the economy and world affairs. This has all dramatically changed and our vocabularies have shrunk to 2-3 word, single-syllable phrases such as, “STOP THAT!” “PUT THAT DOWN!” and “STOP BITING HER!.”
So please sir/ma’am, let us know how to proceed. Oh, and I apologize for not calling about this, but my kids lost your business card.

Sincerely,

Brock and Corri Burkhardt